Monday, April 20, 2015

the silence cannot hold


In our end is our beginning// In our time infinity

耶稣说【手扶着犁向后看的,不配进神的国。】 路加福音9:62

Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

In our death a resurrection// At the last a victory

你心若向饥饿的人发怜悯,是困苦的人得满足,你的光就必在黑暗中发现;你的幽暗必变如 正午 。以赛亚书58:10

"and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10

Unrevealed until its season// Something God alone can see

因我活着就是基督,我死了就有益处。腓立比书1:21

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Truth be told, I would love to die now. I am content as it is in the silence between one thought and the next. Yet the silence cannot hold. It cannot hold and I will not die but wait patiently for the Lord.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Home is where God is


"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength"
Isaiah 30:15,NIV
Home is the place.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

sonder

n. realisation that everyone has a story, so rich and complex
The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

"I love you as one loves certain obscure things,/secretly, between the shadow and the soul."
Pablo Neruda, One Hundred Love Sonnets:XVII

keyframe
n. a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next 
The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,/But I have promises to keep."
Robert Frost, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening

"To look up-out,/ To do without./ To be now-here,/Stop inward peer."

Friday, April 10, 2015

He Speaks to Me Everywhere

Have been thinking in hymns a lot recently.

This is my Father's world. I rest me in the thought!
He helps me to wait patiently for Him to give me what I need, to give us what we need when we are ready. Because I know that His ways are higher than mine, and His love I never can fathom, I know I can trust Abba in His own time and will.

So continue to give me that open handedness Lord.

Of rocks and trees Of skies and seas, His hand the wonders wrought.
A thought that I sometimes feel that I cannot bear: God has given me all these talents and capabilities, that I am doing so much by myself. Will there be someone that can form an effective team to lead us to greater things?

I smile now as I remember how He spoke to me just last week: "I am for you and not against you". Whenever I had an awesome time/day/week, at the back of my mind I am prepping myself for a tough time ahead. Like God is somehow this 'benevolent suffering-generator.

So yes, just like He tested Abraham (Genesis 22) for Abraham himself to be sure of his own faith and trust in God-- I also have become surer that He is my first love through all these.

In the rustling grass I hear Him pass, He speaks to me everywhere.
"You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O LORD." Psalm 139:2-4, NIV

I really love hanging out with my SW friends who are so edifying and so-oft God speaks through them to me. Had the wonderful opportunity to glimpse the trying times in a relationship with different personalities, and also the loving consideration of my dear sister.

And quotes from this Relevant article intervened throughout today as I dealt with trying emotions and group members.

"Actually, all of life is more than we can handle. The point of living in a fallen world is not for us to try really hard to carry our heavy burden, but rather realize we can’t do it alone and surrender to God instead. That’s what faith is all about." 

All of life is more than we can handle. It really just spoke so deep into my heart. 

The battle is not done. Jesus who died shall be satisfied, and earth and heaven be one.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Maundy Thursday

Why am I penalised for doing good. Why is this happening to me. I can't take this anymore. F**K these shit.

Yesterday all these were running through my mind. The combined events of the day just broke the alabaster I was holding things together in.

I refused to let myself be reminded of Christ, knowing full well that He can help me.

From today's Lent devotion:
"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him."
John 13:3-5

As Jesus came to serve and wash our dirty feet so I am called to follow His example.

Even as He pushes me to do all these, He works things to give me what is needed. O God, thank You for these small miracles that are evidence of Your abiding presence. You indeed know my thoughts and my coming and going.

And to You again, I say Amen.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Undo the Damage Done

If time could turn back, would I still have done what I did? What would Jesus have done?

These words have sunk deep into my heart. Said with that steady gaze. A tinge of bitterness? I couldn't even express how sorry I felt- the impact of what I (no, we) have done was looming over me.

I sat outside with the piercing shouts of children, and it seemed too much to bear.

Afterwards I tried to revert to childish thinking- heck, I'm only 20! I shouldn't be doing these things.

Steel yourself. Steel yourself.

I need to read the Word. Romans 8. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I down the comforting milk tea together with Romans 8, trying to claim the promises.

Remembered how Betsie thanked God for the fleas in that wretched concentration camp. Thank God for this failure also, may I be open-handed toward You.

Afterwards: Thank God that I recall how it is not totally my fault; but due to the lack of information and actions taken by both sides. Thank God that the parents responded, but after I have experienced all of the above.

Going back to the school to sit in the Parent-Teacher (and Principal) meeting tomorrow. Okay, heart is more in equilibrium now.

The battle is not done.

[27 March]
So I convened with the Principal, Vice Principal, form teacher and the child's parents today.

I needed some normalcy with my friends, and managed to have lunch with them after class.
I prayed to reach there in time, and I got the taxi almost immediately when I reached the road.
I prayed that the taxi will have NETS (cos I didn't see the machine), but the taxi driver trusted me enough to transfer the fare to his account.
I prayed (many times) for wisdom and I think I received it. I have never been this assertive when talking with people but I managed to bring my point across.

Most of all, I prayed for the parents to be open to sending the child to Grace Orchard- and today I went with the family to sign the application form.
What is amazing was that the parents resisted sending the child there for a long time- they were portrayed as quite adversarial and difficult.  Acknowledging the other party's concerns and having power in information- reminded of these things in class today and I really really thank God for that.

The child will be starting school next Monday. There might still be struggles yet, but for now I declare again that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose'' (Romans 8:28, NIV).

Thursday, March 19, 2015

My First Love

You stir my highest affections Lord. Not always, but my First Love, You alone are capable and worthy of having my greatest affections.

When Israel begrudged God about the lack of water in the desert, even asking to go back to their land of slavery, God gave them water from a rock. There is such a lack of dignity that it blows my mind whenever I think about it.

Jesus Christ, "being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness" (Philippians 2:6-7, NIV).

The most scandalous marriage in history is between Jesus Christ and His adulterous and rebellious wife, the church.

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let me love be shown? Will you let my name be known?
Will you let my life be grown in you, and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show
Thus I'll move and live and grow in You and You in me
(The Summons)